Elyse’s page

Elyse on Chapter 1 – 19 August 2010

Unfortunately not enough time for something completely in depth (curse you, Higher School Certificate trial exams), but some points:
-The beginning was too abrupt for me. Like reading a novel from page two, the start didn’t hook me into the plot; I actually double checked that I opened the right file to read.
-The Pattern stone wasn’t really explained. I could gather it was a sign of a Clan member, but did it do anything else? Is it a Gift GPS? Did it fine tune the telepathy?
-The death of Rainald’s father was not as impacting as it could be. Rainald obviously cared for his father but his grief came out as robotic. I don’t know how to describe this but I’ll attempt it.
+Rainald’s father dies (we never learn his name, only formal titles like father and Lord of Avigor).
+Rainald steps out to the cool dark balcony needing to be alone and away from his room.
+Detached thoughts about his new duties as Lord that he has been groomed for his whole life.
+How he will be regarded as a very young (but of age) Lord by the other Clan Lords.
As a scene that could have, and should have been emotive, it fell flat. His one night of tears fell short for grief of a loved father, but crying for a cold yet respected man seems pointless. Maybe knowing about his relationship with his father could help with knowing the depth of Rainald’s grief.
-The High Council, some of the members warm and caring, some pompous and standoffish. They all argue about their views, but mainly agree on one point, Gift outside the Clan must be destroyed to protect any potential threat to the Clan way of life. Sort of reminds me of the politics shows on TV…
I enjoyed the chapter as a whole, granted some typos threw me off, and cannot wait to have time to read anything not school-related to finish the story.

Elyse on Chapter 1 Rewrite – 28 September 2010

Oh man, hectic time at the moment, just graduated high school and having bridesmaid dress fitting for my sisters wedding 🙂

Sorry x

?The death of Rainald’s father had me crying, maybe because I’m a sook but mostly because I felt the emotions behind it this time.

?“Do videnya, Lord Dow.” It sounds Russian, is it supposed to be like that? Is it made up language, like “I-can’t-believe-it’s-not-Russian”?

Umm, apart from that, everything is really good. 😀

Elyse on Chapter 2 – 22 October 2010

Doing this in one of my breaks from study. All of my exams and my sister’s wedding will be through in less than a month, so I hope to have more time after that. J
-“They left Colgarma the very next day”, it might just be me, but I think of these words in a bossy little girl tone.
-Imril was only Rainald’s for a few weeks before his father died, but the description of their time sounds like he’s had the horse for a long time.
– I agree with Zach that Rainald and Alleth use an unnecessary amount of words.
– The memories show a right balance of tenderness and regal pride (for want of better word)
-Gilden provides Rainalds young male attitude, I like it. J
-Mirella’s lost love, is this why she is rather cold, or is it just the haughtiness? Unfortunately I don’t like her, so don’t feel too bad for what happened.
– Is precog common among the Clan? That might explain Rainald’s lack of surprise, but as not much is mentioned about it other than his direct family’s abilities which would make it much more of a shock.
That’s all from the Australian sector

Elyse on Chapter 2 rewrite – 27 January 2011

– The chapters are drawing out emotions and the world is being created. Only thing I have to complain about is When Rainald and Gilden are talking -“Cone now, what’s wrong with that?”

Love how it’s going so far 😀


One Comment to “Elyse’s page”

  1. I was wondering if you have heard of nanowrimo; it’s a national writing competition. the goal is to write 50,000 words in the month of November. It seems like a fun and interesting challenge so I plan on attending. Thought you might want to. Here’s a link for the site http://www.nanowrimo.org/

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