Archive for ‘Comment and discussion’

April 20, 2011

Loki on Chapter 4

I almost pity Aleta. She really is a kid; as a 14-year-old myself, the thought of being sworn to marry someone freaks me out entirely. I guess this is an aspect sort of addressed later in the book, the whole gender equality thing, but I figured it was worth mentioning.

One thing I sort of would like about Aleta is the mix of childishness and maturity that the narration states her to have, but I don’t see that claim represented in her actions. She seems almost rigid all the time. Like I just said, she’s a kid, though this society assumes her to be more adult than anything, really. Some of that quirky playfulness demonstrated in earlier rewrites would be nice here.

I found the detailed descriptions of clothing rather tedious, personally, but that’s just me.

It seems as though the way nobody seems to take Aleta seriously is supposed to build our sympathy towards her. Instead, with Liara in particular, it just makes me sort of annoyed. Not with any one character in particular, I just find it annoying to read.

I somewhat enjoyed Aleta’s awe at the ball and such. It’s nice to be looking through the eyes of someone naïve. But that damn precog… Ugh. Ugh. UGH. I love Rainald and Gilden’s little relationship so much! I don’t want it to… -grumble- Other than my personal bias against this plot point, it cut the scene off somewhat awkwardly. The time lapses, again, could use a bit of work. Once it gets into the narrative lull, it’s all right, but the in-between sentences are jolting.

Is it supposed to be “wedded” or “wed”? Either?

I like the Ichari. I like this Ichara girl. Fun and ominous. That bit might have been slightly more enjoyable without Aleta butting in on occasion. I sort of wanted her to just shut UP.

The death of Rainald’s mother was better received than that of his father, when it comes to realistic emotions. Not great, but a certainly better – I think it’s fine for it not to impact Rainald quite as much as the loss of his father would have, as it seems that the mother is a slightly less influential figure in this society.

The entire last section was a tad bit jarring. Abrupt, you know. But knowing that the REAL story starts soon after here inspires no shortage of anticipation.

 

April 11, 2011

Zach on Chapter 4

Towards the beginning the chapter goes on a bit of a tangent about a mother
feeling downhearted by the marriage of Rainald to Aleta, this text may
be unnecessary.

The conversation between Aleta and Mirella is hilarious, I’m not really sure
why though, may have something to do with the phrase “if I can corner him.”
Depicts more of a hunt than a ball. The thank you at the end of the
conversation seems to hang in the air somewhat awkwardly. Why are Rainald
and Mirella whispering to each other before the enter the ball? Can they not
speak to each other via contact?

The comment “naturally everyone invite accepted with alacrity” contradicts
the previous statement about the Ichari.

Aleta “surveying” the ball gives a more formal tone to her perspective than
should be permitted for such a night in this young woman’s life. Later on in
the chapter her excitement is clearly shown, so changing that
isn’t necessary.

The conversation are realistic which is a great plus, they not only tell you
what the individual is saying at a given time but in a way what they are
doing while saying it. For instance “and that bald man talking to lord
carlin?”
“Where? oh tthat is….” as compared to Rainald instantly knowing the man
she was indicating at such a large event. I’ll keep that in mind when
writing.

When Rainald and Gilden are discussing their partners they say “picked” a
lot. “That’s why I picked her” and such. This seems rather rude of them, as
if they’re speaking of fruit rather than their femal companions.

I like Rimmuz, his “don’t worry about what you can’t change or will on it’s
own” attitude is enjoyable.

Tensity rather than tenseness?

As a final note, the entire “their first child was born…” really came out
of the blue and punched me harder than a cheese lover would hit a cheese
destroyer. Did not see that coming. Thanks for the chapter.

March 21, 2011

Courtney on Chapter 4

Overall I enjoyed this fourth chapter. It still seems as if
this beginning is rushed but I now see that it was done that way in order to
get to the real story which comes into play after Aleta and Rainald have been
married and matured and their children born. This chapter gives a good bridge
between the start of the book and what is surely coming up next, though I am
sad to hear that Rainald and Gilden are going to become enemies.

 

I really like that Rainald can’t just turn the ‘link’ on and
off between him and Aleta and that you explored the repercussions that would
come both from having the link and from trying to hold it back. It makes the
whole thing much more approachable and much as I have had problems with Aleta
in the past this chapter helped me understand her better and even has me liking
her.

 

I don’t really have any suggestions of changes for this
chapter, some of the bits at the end got a mite confusing but I’m sure that
will be cleared up in the revisions.

February 24, 2011

Loki on Chapter 3 Rewrite

The first paragraph, I must admit, had my creeper senses tingling a bit. As someone living in the modern world, I constantly see examples of over-infatuation in media as well as real life, and while I realize that that isn’t what’s going on here, that was my gut reaction to the way it was phrased. Or maybe it’s just the concept, I’m not entirely clear.

I like Lord Dow quite a bit in this scene, come to think of it. He’s become entertaining, if not distinct in his own personality. And that’s really all you can ask for a character playing a minor role such as his,
I think.

I’m feeling like one thing that bugs me about Aleta is the descriptions used around her. I’m not too fond of reading about her “lithe” figure or  “thick”, “honey-colored” hair – I feel as though some difference in adjectives would be nice… maybe even a few less?

The speed of the whole Rainald/Aleta thing still catches me off guard. I agree with what Courtney says – it seems like two kids who don’t really know what they’re talking about. The only thing backing their relationship up is a premonition, and, while enough on the side of logic, I suppose, it doesn’t quite do enough to persuade the reader’s emotional senses. I was mostly down with it until he started calling her “love”, implying deep emotional connection rather than the precognition of deep emotional connection.

The plot development! The starship! The Ichari! It’s all getting me awfully excited, and I’ve READ the darn thing already.

I might have already said this, but I like that little moment of disquiet between Rainald and Gilden.

“High Council business, eh?” repeated Gilden with a touch of belligerence. Rainald, winced at the tone and turned his eyes on his Foster-brother. Gilden was staring at him with dark eyes.

“Ill chosen words, Foster-brother,” said Rainald. “I’m sorry. Still, it was aired in High Council, the same one my Lordship over Avigor was confirmed at, so I suppose it does make it High Council business. So don’t look at me like that, Gilden Lammuir, you know damned well it was none of it of my doing!”

Gilden cast his eyes down, rebuked. “Sorry, Rainald.”

Gives both of them personality, gives their relationship dimension – foreshadows a bit, shall I dare to say?

Also, Rainald dropping the bomb on Gilden. Hell YES. I just find them adorable.

I like where the end of the last portion landed. It was nice. Looking forward to more!

February 22, 2011

Zach on Chapter 3 Rewrite

Early on in the rewrite the only problems seem to be trivial at best, mostly grammatical. A “ facing the wrong direction, “Rainald walked back to his own quarters with wearing a broad grin….” The with or wearing needs to be removed, and own isn’t necessary though no harm is being done by its presence. It may be my ninth grade social studies teacher’s influence, but the use of the word thing in the sentence: “This whole thing would be a veritable thunderclap from a blue sky…” bugs me. There seems to be other uses of the word, changing it would be suggested.

“In that case, would you care to present yourself and anyone you might wish present at my chambers within the hour? I shall take it upon myself to ensure your bride-to-be will be in attendance….”

The second present doesn’t seem like it belongs there.

Lord Dow as already there

I’m assuming the as was meant to be a was.

They had extensive knowledge of Patters

Patterns instead of patters. I enjoy the doubt Rainald experiences when questioning the Ichari’s wisdom. It seems to be a foreshadow of a future conflict, though whether or not my guess will prove fruitful, only time will tell. In general all of my qualms were met in this rewrite, I enjoyed it greatly.

February 12, 2011

Courtney on Chapter 3 Rewrite

Okay, first off, a quick note: “He clapped Rainald, sitting silent, on the shoulder, smiling.” That sentence is just…wow. I know that it’s supposed to mean that Dow is clapping Rainald on the shoulder and smiling whilst Rainald is sitting silent, but it looks like…well it looks like a mess.

 

I don’t think I have mentioned this yet but I quite enjoy the fact that each clan has their own colors and gemstones. It seems so well-thought out and organized, hardly something I would have thought a 14 year old capable of in their first writings. I guess I just haven’t met the right 14
year olds.

 

All in all, I like the rewrite, though the sudden close bond between Rainald and Aleta still bothers me a little. Rather than seeming like a love that will last through the ages as it should be, it seems more like two high school kids going “oh we’ve only been dating for a week but I love her, I know I do. We’re gonna get married,” even though everyone knows they will hate each other in a week. It seems empty. I don’t know, perhaps it’s just this chapter and I will grow to understand it as the story progresses but that is how I feel about it for now.

January 27, 2011

Rewrite of Chapter 3 – watch for it in a few days!

In the meantime, because it’s been a while since you’ve read the original, you might want to revisit it here:

https://heritageofclan.wordpress.com/2010/10/28/chapter-3-original-version/

January 27, 2011

Elyse on Chapter 2 rewrite

– The chapters are drawing out emotions and the world is being created. Only thing I have to complain about is When Rainald and Gilden are talking -“Cone now, what’s wrong with that?”

Love how it’s going so far 😀

January 21, 2011

Loki on Chapter 2 Rewrite

I really, really like this rewrite. A lot. The way the original ideas were morphed into something more or less the same but far more fun to read is pretty impressive. I actually liked the scene with Rainald and
Alleth a lot more this time. It’s nice to be able to experience the dynamic between the two of them without being distracted by little odds and evens in word choice and such.

I’m not sure how fond I am of where the chapter cut off. It just seemed a bit random, as well as too highly emphasized, especially for how short-term the reader’s knowledge of Gilden is. It also, I think, implies that the scene to follow will be far more crucial than I feel it actually is. It was just a tad bit anticlimactic.

That said, I adore the largely untouched dialogue between Rainald and Gilden as much as I did when I first read it, and was biting back laughter. The thing I like about Gilden (well, one of the many) is the way he speaks what you’re thinking, such as re: Rainald’s remark about Rialle’s hair being “the color of Asturias’ light.” Personally, I’ve found that he tends to say exactly what the reader is thinking while reading – it’s nice, it gives you the feeling that you’re somehow represented, that the writer understands you enough to give you that link.

I appreciate the insights into Rainald’s grieving – or reasons to avoid grieving, at any rate. Not only does him being busy and tired build the empathy level, it doesn’t leave you wondering what he’s thinking, which is nice, seeing as he’s the main character and all.

Small likes:

[+] Rainald’s dislike for Full Council. I don’t know why I enjoy this so much, I just do.

[+] Clueless!Rainald at his first precog experience. Remarkable improvement.

[+] Oh, Mirella, I enjoy your character so.

[+]“Mirella! Gods, I haven’t seen you since you were my age!” Oh, Gilden. Never change.

[+] One thing I do appreciate about Aleta is that we haven’t been hearing  about her since the
beginning – as in, Rainald was originally supposed to be set up with her sister.

[+] I actually like Aleta a lot more in general in this version. The way she talks about her precog helps – gives her some sort of humanity, makes her sound a bit weird. It’s great.

[/] One thing that I would say needs a tad more work – a lot of the lords seem to have quite similar personalities, and they sort of blur together in my memory. It would be nice to have a few more definitive characteristics on a few of these guys.

January 19, 2011

Zach on Chapter 2 Rewrite

There seem to be some superfluous words, for instance “the very next day” or, “he suddenly could not wait to see it again” “…had been truly given to him” the words being, very, suddenly, and truly. They seem to make the sentences slightly choppy. Removing them would be suggested, though leaving
them there wouldn’t do any harm. Maybe a little bit more of a transition from happy Rainald to sad Rainald as far as “charging at full speed on horse of awesome” to “contemplating life without father” though it isn’t necessary. I enjoy how his thoughts are sort of swapping back and forth between topics at points, like when he is crossing the bridge to Macha. As far as the all at once event pointed out by Courtney, I stress the importance of rectifying that mistake as well, as well as keeping an eye out for others similar to it.

The planting of the seed that will grow into Aleta’s and Rainald’s relationship was quite a bit more subtle in the re-write, which is a nice improvement. Yet again I find myself struggling to find errors.

This story is beginning to wrap around my mind which I hope to be a good sign as far as how the reading may go for other teens. Thank you for the new chapter.

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