Zach on Chapter 2 Rewrite

There seem to be some superfluous words, for instance “the very next day” or, “he suddenly could not wait to see it again” “…had been truly given to him” the words being, very, suddenly, and truly. They seem to make the sentences slightly choppy. Removing them would be suggested, though leaving
them there wouldn’t do any harm. Maybe a little bit more of a transition from happy Rainald to sad Rainald as far as “charging at full speed on horse of awesome” to “contemplating life without father” though it isn’t necessary. I enjoy how his thoughts are sort of swapping back and forth between topics at points, like when he is crossing the bridge to Macha. As far as the all at once event pointed out by Courtney, I stress the importance of rectifying that mistake as well, as well as keeping an eye out for others similar to it.

The planting of the seed that will grow into Aleta’s and Rainald’s relationship was quite a bit more subtle in the re-write, which is a nice improvement. Yet again I find myself struggling to find errors.

This story is beginning to wrap around my mind which I hope to be a good sign as far as how the reading may go for other teens. Thank you for the new chapter.


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