Every once and a while, we are taken from the story suddenly and are given a section of explanation concerning an event that is about to occur. First instance being: “Rainald stared at the rings, his mind awash with memories
not his own. Mirella, usually in flawless control of her feelings and her thoughts, had let the barrier slip a little during the intense moment in which she had seen the rings. Rainald, who was very receptive to any feeling on a strong mental wavelength, had picked up scattered images” This could be replaced with something simpler. Perhaps a description of the action, rather than an explanation would be more effective. “Mirella, in her distress, allowed the barrier to slip. Images were forced onto Rainald’s sensitive mind.” If that makes sense, that is.
Directly after the scene where Mirella was shaken to her very foundation by the image of wedding rings, she is joking with Rainald about marriage. I just don’t feel that is how one who has been scarred like she has would act
that way. Also the transition between “serious Rainald, serious Mirella” To “Joking Rainald, Joking Mirella” was surprisingly sudden. It seems that the chapter might be moving a bit quickly, the marriage, the gift, and the
emotions. As if the characters themselves are moving at normal speed, but the plot and their thoughts are advancing rapidly.
Once again, I find myself astounded by how much detail you have placed into the clan and Ichari. Very deep, very human they seem. The prospect of coming up with all of this history is a foreboding one, to say the least.
As far as whether or not to combine chapter two and three, I would not suggest it. There is far too much information in both of them to be able to cram it all into one.
I also liked how the chapter ended.
Posted on November 19, 2010 at 7:03 pm in Comment and discussion, Original Chapter | RSS feed
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Rebirth of a Novel
Zach on Chapter 3
Every once and a while, we are taken from the story suddenly and are given a section of explanation concerning an event that is about to occur. First instance being: “Rainald stared at the rings, his mind awash with memories
not his own. Mirella, usually in flawless control of her feelings and her thoughts, had let the barrier slip a little during the intense moment in which she had seen the rings. Rainald, who was very receptive to any feeling on a strong mental wavelength, had picked up scattered images” This could be replaced with something simpler. Perhaps a description of the action, rather than an explanation would be more effective. “Mirella, in her distress, allowed the barrier to slip. Images were forced onto Rainald’s sensitive mind.” If that makes sense, that is.
Directly after the scene where Mirella was shaken to her very foundation by the image of wedding rings, she is joking with Rainald about marriage. I just don’t feel that is how one who has been scarred like she has would act
that way. Also the transition between “serious Rainald, serious Mirella” To “Joking Rainald, Joking Mirella” was surprisingly sudden. It seems that the chapter might be moving a bit quickly, the marriage, the gift, and the
emotions. As if the characters themselves are moving at normal speed, but the plot and their thoughts are advancing rapidly.
Once again, I find myself astounded by how much detail you have placed into the clan and Ichari. Very deep, very human they seem. The prospect of coming up with all of this history is a foreboding one, to say the least.
As far as whether or not to combine chapter two and three, I would not suggest it. There is far too much information in both of them to be able to cram it all into one.
I also liked how the chapter ended.
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Posted on November 19, 2010 at 7:03 pm in Comment and discussion, Original Chapter | RSS feed | Reply | Trackback URL
One Comment to “Zach on Chapter 3”
December 14, 2010 at 7:00 am
I agree with a lot of the points you made in that second paragraph; you seem to be good at picking up on things like that – and guessing the reason for them. Something is certainly rushed here, and reading that helped me figure out what.
I liked the Ichari as well. You need those kinds of ominous groups, don’t you? 🙂