Zach on Chapter 2

The dialogue between Rainald and Alleth seems kind of choppy, it doesn’t
flow as smoothly as one expects in your every day conversation. This may be
coming from the excess amount of words in their sentences, for instance
“What did you do that for?” she demanded panting. “You should have won, but
you let me. That’s not fair!”

“I didn’t feel like winning,” he said, grinning. “I just enjoyed the race.
Besides, you didn’t stand a chance against Imril here anyway.” In Rainald’s
sentence he has already specified that he could have won, so why is the “you
didn’t stand a chance” there? Then also “you should have won but you let me”
is another example, perhaps something along the lines of “why did you let me
win?” would be an improvement, at least from my perspective it would be.

A plus is how well the dialogue changed from his less formal tone he used
when speaking or thinking about his family, to the formality expressed when
Rainald is conversing with the footman.  The change is obvious, giving more
depth to Rainald as a character.  It’s nice that the change from lord avigor
in training to lord avigor isn’t automatic. Rainald is still sliding into
his father’s shoes, and is taking a little time to adjust; showing once
again the human dimension which can all too easily be overlooked by immature
writers.

What I’d like to see thrown in when Rainald and Alleth is returning to their
home would be a description of the landscape.  We have plenty of things
being seen and heard, but what about smelled? Or felt? Keeping in mind all
of the five senses when writing descriptions will paint a nice picture of
the world that Rainald grew up in.

In this chapter he spent a few months in Macha, with his family preparing
for when he would have to head back to Colgarma for full council. What
preparations did he have to go through? How did his family mourn the loss of
his father? Not only was an important family member lost but a new lord was
put in his place and full council is in three months, surely something
significant had to have happened during this period of preparation
concerning those three events?

Rainald’s precog ability came on very suddenly. From nowhere he was tackled
by this amazing ability, what’s a bit more surprising than this sudden
ability is his trust in it.  If you were to think of his precog as a person
it’d be like some person he’d heard about but never met before, walked up to
Rainald shook his hand and said “Hi, you’re going to fall in love with this
woman.” A slower transition between Rainald without precog and Rainald with
precog would be greatly appreciated, if that makes sense.

So overall, removing of unnecessary words, description of landscape
including all five sense when appropriate, details of home town, and some
extra time for Rainald to test the waters of his precog gift would improve
this second chapter.

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One Comment to “Zach on Chapter 2”

  1. I am definitely with both of you guys on the sudden appearance of the precog – it was entirely too rushed, and almost hard to believe.

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